Lonely

I want to take a walk in the dark with nothing but the moon, the stars, and the chirping of little animals to guide me… But, These wobbly legs, thumping heart beats, restless demeanor, tears rolling down, gloomy voice, and blurred vision is making it extremely difficult ……is it a nightmare or a reality! No it’s not a nightmare… then what is it?


This Feeling of being invisible, People coming and going without any reaction. Is it really their behavior or it’s something in my head which has kept me occupied? Whatever it is but it’s really painful. There is no sadder feeling in this world than to feel lonely and unwanted. Why is it that when you want people the most, no one’s there for you? Even in the crowd, you feel so damn lonely! I’m missing a lot of people right now... the past looks so much better.


But I guess nothing is going to change in this way. So, it’s time to put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine and dandy... B’coz Life is like a cut on your finger. If gets worse before it gets better, and leaves a scar to remind you of your courage! So I am trying control this emotional outburst. I put on a mask, I hide the pain. I force a smile, I shove the sadness away. I walk around on the outside, while I die on the inside.

I guess I am Just a little lonely today and little miss sad today ~x~ SO let this pass and I will be back with new engery :O)

That Smile

In the middle of crowd I saw you,
You were lost, searching everywhere,
I smiled,
Then you found me,
Don't know how but you found me.
And we both smiled!

And from that day,
A glimpse of you… Dazzle me!
You fill my senses
Like sleepy blue ocean
Like a smoky forest
And that overwhelming smile
Still makes me crazy!


                       -Jyoti

Luv ya Bangalore

Two and half year ago when I came to Bangalore I was a completely a new girl in the city… Somewhat scared, a little nervous, extremely excited with lots of dreams. And now after such a long time when I am quitting my first job I have this bloodcurdling feeling again. A bit of perplexity, speck of anxiety and lots of emotional overflow. It’s not that I am regretting my decision but it’s just that I am in love with this city and that’s making it all difficult.

If Ahmedabad is the city which has some special memories of my childhood and London has that feeling of beauty & exploring the world for the first time then, Bangalore for me holds the moments when I started my career and became independent. It’s the city when I redefined myself by doing things I never expected I would ever do. Working in MNC, Taking dance classes, Shopping like crazy, Becoming an extrovert from a completely introvert person are just few of these.

It’s the city which mesmerizes me with its unique charm, its greenery, its people, big shopping areas, its Gardens laden with those Orange and yellow flowers everywhere, yummy food, breathtaking weather, number of CCDs which made me coffee addicted, Those exciting dance classes and disc which makes me go wild, Friends who helped me see new horizons… Ahhh I guess everything about it is just so nice that I don’t feel like leaving it.

I am really going to miss this place like hell…. It’s just too special for me. Luv ya Bangalore.

Twinge

In the darkness of the night I sit and cry,

Wondering what happened.

In the bright light of the day,

I act as if I am the happiest one!

There’s a smile on my face

Like it’s been touch by a grace…

But there is a ray of emotion it can’t blow.

There’s an ache in my heart,

Like it’s been hit by a dart...

An ever growing pain that just won’t go.

There’s water in my eyes,

Like it’s been raining from the skies…

That’s the only way I let my emotions flow.

There’s a sorrow in my tone,

So I am sitting here alone…

I won’t talk else my sadness would show.

There’s secret I have kept,

And there’s a reason, I wept…

But that’s something I won’t let anyone, ever know!

                                                                               - Jyoti

The Second twist

There are times when u stop, to take stock of what life has piled up for you.......an audio cassette of your first English compilation, a dusty old love letter you wrote but never cared to deliver it....for your love only lasted till you were writing it, sepia toned photographs without any description of how u felt when those were taken and a shelf full of books, each one looking more like a collector's edition with each passing moment.

Then when u add all of them ......metaphorically , spiritually using the most complicated equations of life that can’t be derived in a set of formulas, you end up looking at a clean slate. It feels as if one is a palette, with all the colored flavors that life has to offer, mixed together. So that in the end only discernible color is white.

When I was taking my little baby steps, after my neck problem few days back.....It’s kind of how I felt. Like life is coming around again.......even my gait feels different now… memories have transcended to be categorized as happy or sad, The tune-humming has become louder....star gazing is so much more peaceful... the harmonica feels cold in my hand ...ready to be harped on.

Time to learn new lessons and old ones in a different way. The only reminder of my previous existence is this tingling semblance of pain.....which sometimes comes around. And suddenly I am beginning to absolutely adore the title of one particular blue book in my shelf. "Oophss, I fell in love" and I fell in love all over again with myself!!! And I got this painful lesson that Life is traveled only once... Today's moment becomes tomorrow's memory..Enjoy every moment; good, bad, happy, or sad; because the gift of life is LIFE itself.